Insecurity

This has been a constant annoying issue I am facing

I was very confident last year 

I don't really care about what other people saying

I do what I want & I like 

until recently or maybe I get into relationship

I forget since when I don't feel pretty anymore

I start to compare 

Compare me to other girls 

I get jealous, anxious and mad

and all I can feel is I am just nothing

This is unhealthy, I know 

but i can't control myself

I am afraid 

afraid of I am not perfect enough 

I am not enough for him,

for the position that I am holding now

Aren't relationship supposes to make you feel confident 

making you feel stronger than before

But for me, it doesn't seem like this 

I was very happy at first

But after we have argued so many times 

I lose hope in myself or maybe us

I want to save it 

Maybe I am just too afraid to lose it 

I am too protective 

too sensitive 

too alert 

And finally I get tired

Sometimes I get insomnia 

I can't sleep,

I will just lay on my bed & think & think & think. 

Where are we going with this?

I want to fix this shyt 

I tried so hard 

, but this big lump is on my heart & my mind now

I cried 

I stay up alone 

I convinced myself 

He did nothing wrong, 

but why my mind makes him a bad guy

Why my mind keep on warning me 

I always have a feeling that we won't last 

but deep down I know 

I won't let this happens

and I am terrify because all I want is make it last

I am begging time to be kind 

I hope this tiredness will go away 

I want the old me back

I've been trying too hard 

and it becomes a weapon to hurt me 

Emotion, please be kind
don't let it ruins us or me