2022

 Welcome back to my little internet space.

Yes, I am back here to write my 2022 resolutions, 

just keeping this tradition in this space alive. 

2021 was bad, in terms of my mental health. 

But it was great for my career. 

There were so many days I spent my night crying myself to sleep. 

Crying when I was driving, screaming and asking myself why. 

It was difficult. One day I feel good then the next day I can feel complete shyt. 

But it's okay, I know healing is not linear. It's part of the process. 

I will always have my own back. And I will pick myself up every single time. 

But I was glowing in my job. I grew so much in 2021. 

And now I am finally be comfortable enough to say what I want to say.

I have a say now. So yes, for 2022, I am definitely going to work better and smarter to climb higher.

For this, I am excited.

2022 Resolutions. 

1. Be mindful of what I let myself feel. 

I mean, I do let myself feel anything my heart wants to think about. But not let myself indulge in it anymore. Like usually when I am sad, I will tell myself 'okay, you can be sad tonight but tomorrow, we are going to feel better'. This is something I want to improve better. I am allowed to feel sad, but I am not allowed to let myself indulge in this misery, I will be my own guidance and make sure I do my best. 

2. Sleep better.

I have been losing sleep since my breakup. 

I can't sleep or sleep well. My sleeping time is usually 2 or 3am and that sucks. Sometimes I don't even have things to do, I just lay awake and think about all the shytty things that happened in my life. haha. That's definitely something I want to get rid of. But I am proud to say, at the date of writing, 16 Jan, I've been sleeping better and earlier. Talking bout progression. 

3. A healthier body & diet.

One thing I've lost in 2021 is my stomach's ability to handle spicy food. Ive learnt it the hard way. Ate a spicy chicken burger before my flight and felt terrible throughout the 7 hours flight. I think stepping into 26 really changed my view on how to take care of myself, both physically and mentally. My eye sight is not getting any better either. So I probably gonna have to start taking eye sight supplement lol. I am scared I am not afraid to grow old but I am afraid of the implications like I can't even see the number clearly on the screen. 

4. Just, happy.

One thing the breakup has teach me well is feel the happiness when you have it. Cherish the moment, feel it and remember the feeling. I think it's both a blessing and a curse to have this ability. Like I can remember exactly how I felt in any moment. I can remember how I feel when I first watch the snow, how I feel when i was standing outside the grocery store waiting for my uber with him or when he bought me an iPhone. But in this year, I want to have these feelings with someone new. I no longer want to cling to the memories I shared with him. It's time to move on, and feel new happiness. I totally deserve it.

You know, sometimes when you just don't let yourself go and you keep asking yourself why. 

And you just don't accept any kind of explanation you give to yourself. 

It's like an inner war between your heart and your brain.

But these days, I often just let my brain wins. 

If we didn't breakup, will we be happy?

If we really got married, will this be the life we want?

Spending your life with him, and resenting him?

I guess there is no perfect answer. 

But at least right now, I know, if we continue to go on like this, 

we would start to hate each other and eventually lead to an uglier end.

Everything happened for a reason, I still believe in that. 

Cheers to a better year and may this year brings 

more laughters, inner peace and more success. 

 

18/11/2021 3:05am

Well, I didn't accept the new job offer. 

Just feel like I should update it here. As if there are people still reading it. 

I decided to stay in my current job and accept the counteroffer offered by my lead. 

It's a great opportunity, I believe.  

Or maybe I'm just not as brave as I thought I am. 

And well well, guess who came back and wanting to keep in touch with me. 

Coming back, telling me maybe we should take it slow and try again. 

Which I agreed to, cause, I know, deep down I still want it. 

I still want it to work, so damn bad. 

But guess what, it didn't work out. Just like so many times before. 

I believe the good in him. I believe he wanted it to work too, he wanted us to work. 

But just not as much as me. 

And after watching the TS ATW short film, I kinda feel like he was gaslighting me all the time. 

He knows how in love I am, I was. He knows he's my weakness. 

All it takes is just one call, a text and I will be there. Rain or shine.

Why do you have to did me wrong like this. 

I really loved you, you know right?

Thinking about it now, its weird I don't feel so sad anymore. 

It's really his loss though, I loss someone who doesn't appreciate me enough while he let someone who cares so deeply about him walk away. 

I guess this too is growth?

The bravery in walking away, knowing that this is toxic and it only brings out the worst in you. 

I loved you T. I gave you so so so many chances and you fucked it up every single time. 

I no longer feel sorry about my love and my care that I tried to gave you but got turned down so uglily. 

"My love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it" - TS

I guess it's best if I just keep all these love to myself and only to people who deserve and cherish it. 

A heart like mine, deserve so much better.

10.10.2021

Breathe in, breathe out. 

I am going to be okay. 

Honestly, these days have been hard. 

I mean, mentally I am still a mess. 

I get this mood swings and down time way too often.

I am sad, like quiet sad. 

I don't like to talk or should I say I don't even know where do I start.

I got a new job offer, a delightful news, indeed.

I am tendering my resignation in days. 

It's a fresh start, I believe. 

To finally go out, and explore the world.

To be honest, I don't really know how I feel about this. 

It's a good job, exciting one. 

Just the thought of leaving home, it scares me sometimes. 

But I guess its about time for me to do something I always wanted to. 

Meet new people, people who are not in my circle, not from schools. 

I believe in me, I believe in fate.

I am strong and capable.

I will conquer this and the future me will be glad that I made this decision. 

31.07.2021

 

I thought you were the one. Though some time I might seem unsure, but I always know, it's you. I think that happened when I figure I would rather work this thing out instead of finding the perfect one. I thought you will never leave me, at least, not you having second thought on us. I really, really believed that you will never let me go. 

You know I love you right? Never-minding the 14,000km distance and timezone. I was happy to do that. Happy to see your face every night, in front of my Mac. Was so excited about our future life, the life we planned, you planned. I know its my bad to remember everything so well, so deeply and clearly. I should've know promises were only promises and valid when you are in a good mood. I miss you, I really do. But I just can't stand the way we are now. 

Stop asking me if we still stand a chance but turn around and show me what do you think with your action. It is so mentally draining, honestly. I love you, but the disrespect are so loud to the extend that I can no longer ignore. We need that goodbye. This is our ending, by you.

Today was supposed to be our 4th anniversary. Time is such a weird thing. It brings people to you and take them away, makes you wonder why does it even let you guys meet at the first place. To create happy memories then live with the pain for the rest of our life? No thanks, I really don't want that anymore. 

Thank you, you really broke my heart. 

2021 Update

 Hi guys, it's June 2021 now.

Nothing changed, the covid-19 pandemic is still here, 

we're now in the third complete MCO. 

Life sucks, I still feel sad, actually I kinda feel like I've got depression.

I have these terrible dreams at nights, I can't think, 

and my mind is full of fragmented flashbacks of the past, 

the happier times.

To be honest, I am in so much pain now. 

But I hide it so well everyone thinks its now alright for me. 

But trust me, deep down I just want to cry out loud.

I hate myself so much these days. I look down on me. 

I have 0 motivation, I cry every night and sometimes I'm thinking of ending this.

It's like I can't find solace in anywhere, anyone except the person who broke me.

You can't imagine how much strength I need to stop reaching out to him.

Why it has to be so hard, why fate has to do me like this. 

They said everything happened for a reason, and I truly believe it.

But can I know the reason now? 

I am restless and hopeless. I just want things to end. 

Why do you have to break me like this.

I wish I can go away for awhile.

Staying in the same place does suffocate me.

These memories are eating me up. 

I feel like I am stranded, I can't move forward or go back.

You leave me alone here in the cold without a hand to hold or somebody to rely on.

2020

Can't believe this blog is still here. I thought blogger would have just gone and delete everything. The last post I've written is on March 2019 and now it's the last month of 2020. This year has been chaotic. With the pandemic and my own problems happening from time to time, I really can't wait to let this shitty year pass and welcome a new one, where it surely will be better and brighter than 2020, I have hope. 

Nothing much to say in this post, and I know nobody visits here anymore. So this place is just like a personal diary for me to revisit back to back when im feeling nostalgic. And also to remember how I feel at this moment, period of my life. 

It's bad, like really a bad time, but I believe there will be rainbow after the storm. I've made it in the previous storm, and I will survive and conquer this one as well. 

You

Why do you only come back when we don't have a chance anymore.

I wish everything was still simple like years ago. 

When me and you are still pure, no intervention from the others. 

But why do you have to ruin it

and act like we are still O K. 

That 'I miss you' comes in 3 years late. 

I'm sorry, 

but it still breaks my heart.